Teaching and Parenting Middle Schoolers

Having taught middle schoolers for 10 years, I would say I had the privilege of experiencing and learning all about this this pre-adolescent age group even before my own children reached this stage in life. Whereas most parents would dread the middle-school-aged years, I have enjoyed and still relish my interactions with my own daughter, a 13-year-old middle-schooler. Here are some of the teaching and parenting principles that gave excellent perspective and insight for parenting my own children.

Stephen Krashen’s Input Hypothesis “i + 1” Model

Krashen’s ideas on how learners gain language is they can only understand language input that is slightly more advanced than their current level. This reminded me that children can only progress information one step at a time, no matter how high our expectations may be. In fact, children will feel more successful if learning steps are broken down for them. I frequently ask my daughter to write down her goals and list steps she needs to take to accomplish them, along with ways I could support her in reaching her goals.

Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences

People have many kinds of intelligences, including math, music, language, nature, interpersonal, art, movement, and intrapersonal skills. As a parent, my role is to help discover and identify my child’s strengths and interests, then help them develop it to their full potential. It’s personally very challenging to yield to their hobbies instead of seeing them pursue my own! I have given lots of opportunities for them to explore different activities in elementary school. Slowly, a skill or interest starts to emerge as my child’s favorite. That’s the one we nurture!

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages

Chapman describes five different ways people receive and give love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, spending quality time, and physical touch. I have discovered that my way of expressing love (acts of service) was not received nearly as effectively as when I communicated in my daughter’s preferred love language (words of affirmation). When I modified how I expressed my love to her, I found she was more receptive to me and our mother-daughter connection is much stronger.

Are any of these ideas new for you? What would you be willing to try so that your relationship with your child could be strengthened?

Wishing you all the best,

Jaime

Wonderful Experiences with Dad Across the Miles

Although Kinji’s dad works in Japan, my grandson thinks his relationship with his father is quite normal when he shares extended time with his father in the United States or in Japan. Between visits, their close relationship is maintained through regular FaceTime phone calls throughout the week. Ongoing phone conversations focus on:

Their daily life activities and Kinji’s new Lego creations
My grandson’s exciting adventures at school
Kenji’s participation in various afterschool programs including Karate and swimming
Math discussions on prime numbers, multiplication, and how to identify number patterns

When Kinji’s dad comes to visit in the United States, my grandson lives with him for several days. Because they regularly talk on the phone, my grandson and his dad are able to continue their discussions about daily life while also sharing memorable activities including:

Attending local football games
Going to the movies
Playing at parks
Eating dinners at various restaurants
Visiting with cousins and relatives
Building new Lego kits

Kinji’s recent visit with his dad was limited because his father was in the process of moving to Thailand for a new work assignment. This relocation to a new country is exciting for Kenji because he will be able to explore another country and culture with his father during his future extended trips overseas.

May our grandchildren and children cherish their many cultural adventures with family members around the world!

Joyce

The Power of “No”

My daughter was always an eager, adventurous eater. Once she was old enough to be introduced to solid foods, there was no stopping the discovery of culinary delights! She slurped down noodles, chomped up her vegetables, sipped on bone-broth soups. She sampled foods from every cuisine including American, Chinese, Mexican, Japanese, Thai, and Greek. However, we started discovering that she complained about certain cookies, or Vietnamese noodles, or some but not all granola bars. Completely baffled, we asked her what was wrong with these foods and she said that they were spicy. Soon enough, she had her first ever PB&J sandwich. That’s when her face got red and swollen, her throat closed up making breathing difficult – she was experiencing an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts.

In the aftermath of discovering her peanut allergy, we had to make lots of changes in her diet. Our once adventurous eater became a hesitant eater. One could even call her a picky eater, but no one was blaming her! When she asked why she had allergies, we explained that every person is born with certain physical attributes and personality traits, and it’s what we do with them that gives us character. We explained to her that her physical attribute of having a food allergy might be contributing to the development of a strong personality trait of self-control. In other words, my 5-year-old was learning the power of “no” at an early age.

Setting Boundaries

What does “no” look like to a 5-year-old in this context, you may wonder? Some kids may think that “no” is a punishment, a restriction, or a denial of privileges and pleasures. However, you may actually be surprised that this is not the case! A “no” response to certain foods meant that my daughter trusted her parent’s better judgement for her safety. A “no” response meant that my daughter acknowledged and respected her natural limitations and boundaries.

So how is this powerful? She is now 13 years old, but from a young age, my daughter has learned the power of “no” and has used it many times. Here are some of the lessons learned:

It’s ok to say “no” to friends. Just as peanuts are bad for her, she has realized that certain friendships and relationships can be toxic, too.
It’s ok to say “no” as a means of delayed gratification. She has received many gift cards for birthdays and holiday gifts, but has said “no” to impulse spending. Instead, she saved them up to buy something better and more significant, usually when it is at a discount.
A “no” response is an opportunity to explore something different. After a while, being allergic to peanuts did not stop her from trying new foods. Bring on pickled herring, stinky tofu, kimchi, and durian! This same spirit of exploration was applied to playing sports, learning a new hobby, and learning how to cook.
A “no” response is not always the final answer. It may mean that her desired outcome was meant to happen after some reflection or personal growth, perhaps at a different time or with a different outcome all together.
Sometimes, “no” means “no.” Not everything in life goes our way and sometimes, we have to learn to accept reality and be content. Being content is truly liberating!

How are you practicing the power of “no” with your kids?

Jaime

How to Become a Mindful and Attentive Parent

Each January, I consider how I can do a better job of balancing my daily life when considering my family’s needs, work obligations, and needs for play, exercise, and spiritual growth. When I consider my family’s needs, I find that my ability to give sufficient attention and listen to individual family members can be challenged when working on another project or trying to multi-task to finish a household chore. This coming year, I plan to overcome this challenge by becoming more mindful and attentive in my daily interactions with family members. I also plan to track how many minutes a day I am able to focus on individual family members when they are talking to me or when I am engaged in one-on-one activities. I plan to also implement the following time management strategies:

Time Management Strategies

Simplify each day by reducing the number of chores attempted each day.
Cook dinners three times a week with planned leftovers on alternate nights.
Encourage teens and other adults to alternate cooking meals and help with meal preparations.
Schedule 30 minutes a day with each child and teach the family to respect the time allocated for each child. (Through consistency and example, children learn quickly how to respect each child’s allocated time.)
Give myself an hour a day for exercise, meditation, leisurely reading, or thinking.
Schedule another hour a day to spend with my partner so we can talk about our lives and brainstorm solutions to daily challenges.
Limit the time spent watching mindless television shows and playing on the computer or phone.
Manage my work schedule.
Consider how frequently I am leaving the home at night for meetings, social events, and errands. Adjust my schedule to regularly be home at night for the family.
Consolidate errands and limit them to a couple of times a week.
Brainstorm other strategies to spend more time with family and less time being preoccupied with daily responsibilities.

More Family Play

May your new year be filled with more family time. As you and your children brainstorm solutions to managing daily tasks, they will thrive because you will be more relaxed and have more time to play. When parents model effective parenting and household management strategies, their children feel valued. They also have the opportunity to talk with their parents when they feel challenged with family members at home and with the demands at school.

Much success with mindful parenting!

Mary Ann

Celebrate Martin Luther King’s Holiday by Promoting Peaceful Solutions

Many schools and families celebrate the Martin Luther King Holiday by participating in community service activities to promote peaceful solutions. Our blogging team created a reflective writing activity for students at a local school. After reading an article about Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech on nonviolent social change for freedom, students completed the following questions:

List 5 dreams you have for a more equitable and peaceful life in your classroom or at home. Draw a picture of 1 dream.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
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When reflecting on this activity, students shared that they felt excited about resolving conflicts at school by learning how to set boundaries for acceptable and not acceptable behaviors. For example, they could talk with the yard duty supervisor when a student violated their defined boundaries. A major challenge for most students is learning how to speak up when another child says mean or ugly statements. When students are insulted, they can learn how to tell another child to stop the behavior and then play with those who are caring and kind.

Parents can reinforce this activity by completing it at home. You and your children can brainstorm how you will care for each other when one of your children is rude or disrespectful. Some children are encouraged to take a time-out to reflect on their feelings and then talk with the offending sibling. You can also help your children learn how to talk with each other about their frustrations when experiencing mean and ugly behaviors from each other.

May you and your children have much success in honoring each other with nonviolent negotiated boundaries for personal growth.

Warm regards,

Mary Ann