Is Your Child Disruptive at School?

Each day, we drop our kids off at school or at the bus stop hoping they have a great day. No parent wants anything bad to happen to their children or secretly hopes that their child is not causing trouble all day. No parent teaches their child to be disruptive, to break school rules, or to defy authority “just because.” But as any teacher or school employee will tell you, there are kids in our classes where it sometimes feels like this is the case. We have students who cause disruptions from the moment they walk through the front doors. For some students, even the most simple and obvious correction of behavior erupts into defiance or argument.  As a parent, when the school communicates about concerns, how do you respond?

How to Respond to School Staff’s Concerns

Of course no one wants to receive a call about their child’s misbehavior. No parent wants to have a conference in which they find out that their child is failing or behind academically. This type of news is always difficult to hear. How parents respond will determine whether students go down a path of entitlement or a path of learning, growth, and improvement. As parents, we can choose to bulldoze obstacles, ignore them, or help our children navigate the challenge they are currently facing head on. The latter will be a path that will lead them to greater success down the road.

Options for Change

The protective instinct as a parent is strong. Our intuition tells us that we need to remove every obstacle and every inkling of potential friction from our kids’ lives. We want them to live a life of safety, comfort, and opportunity. Unfortunately, what we have seen in recent years is that the effort to eliminate the challenges our kids face has fostered a society where kids are less and less motivated and equipped to solve problems on their own. When kids encounter obstacles, it is vitally important that parents help children identify the issue clearly. Parents must support kids to manage their emotions while they develop a plan for moving forward.

Holding Our Kids Accountable

Often, the first step in this process is ownership. Kids need to honestly assess the situation and accept their role and responsibility. When the challenge is a low grade or poor student behavior, taking a step of ownership allows students to accept that they are the ones who need to take responsibility to move forward.

Unfortunately, when parents bulldoze or excuse children from the behavior (and especially when they place the blame elsewhere) kids miss out on the opportunity to problem-solve their way past barriers. Kids need parents to hold them accountable and to help them navigate the tricky waters of ownership and responsibility.

Partner with the School

The good news is that school staff is eager to partner with parents to walk with you down this road! Be on the lookout for workshop opportunities and chances for you and your child to get involved at school events. Also, when the school calls to discuss an issue with your child (i.e., grades or behavior) be sure to take a breath, listen, and partner with the school to map a pathway forward!

Student Report Cards

Parents try a wide range of strategies to ensure their children are putting in the effort needed to bring home a strong report card. Many parents offer incentives, special meals, trips, events, and even cash to get kids to put in the work for their grades. While these tactics may work in the short term, the real goal should be to build intrinsic motivation for kids to do their best. Research shows that these external rewards (also known as extrinsic motivation) may fall short in the long run.

Talk About Academic Performance

So, what will work? Research shows that increasing motivation requires a focus on long term outcomes, values, and goal setting. These are not fully developed skillsets in children. Parents need to step in and help kids along the way. Here are some things you can do to help build this motivation from home:

1. Don’t wait for report cards to discuss grades. Teaching kids the importance of grades and to always try their best are values that are developed through regular discussion about expectations. These are not only expectations for grades, but for all activities: sports, art, music, and school.  As my mother used to say, “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.”  Whether kids are cleaning their room, working on a project, or studying for a test, we have to constantly teach them to put their best foot forward.
2. Help kids set goals. Whether kids are knocking it out of the park or they are performing below your expectations, there is always room for growth. Help kids choose tangible steps for growth that will help get them to the next step. At times you will have to temper kids’ expectations and other times you will need to push a bit. Finding the sweet spot for steps towards growth is a process in and of itself. Kids need help to learn this important skill.
3. Continually remind kids that they are not alone. You are there with them to help along the way. They need to be reminded of this. Kids will need you to plan. They will need you when they succeed. Most importantly, they will need you when they fail. Kids need to know that you are in their corner and you are with them for the journey, no matter what.
4. Celebrate the wins! Yes, I realize this may sound contradictory to my opening comments, but it’s important to recognize growth and effort. I would advise against grandiose gestures. Be sure to talk up your child. Tell your child that you are proud of their accomplishments. Maybe, get some dessert to recognize their efforts and growth. If they put in the work, it’s important to be there to celebrate and to continue to encourage that effort. The words and tone you use with your child becomes their inner monologue. You have the opportunity to build an inner voice that encourages growth and effort, or one that is self-defeating. When you’re there to celebrate the wins and to offer encouragement in the losses, your kid will learn to speak encouragement to themselves without even realizing it!

Growth Mindset: The Power of Yet

When my daughter was a toddler, one of her favorite videos to watch on repeat was The Power of Yet.  This Sesame Street song was upbeat and fun for her to dance to, but the message was great as well.  The singer was shown with a variety of muppets as they tried or practiced new skills; the message was that things may be difficult at first, but that just means we have not mastered them YET!  This is the idea behind having a a growth mindset, a very important skill or approach to life that we must teach our kids.  Without this mindset, they are likely to grow into teens and kids who cannot handle difficult situations or failure.

How to Help Our Kids Learn New Skills

Developing new skills takes time and kids need support to manage their emotions while they tackle new activities.  As parents, we want to be sure our kids can be successful, but we have to be aware that too much intervention will keep our kids from developing appropriately.  If our babies get frustrated with learning to use a spoon and we feed them to avoid the crying, we are robbing them of the time to learn that fine motor skill.  When they are learning to tie their shoes, they will get frustrated at those darn bunny ears, but if we don’t encourage them to keep trying, they will be 30 years old and still wearing Crocs and velcro shoes.  While these situations may seem silly, these are the early times when we are teaching a growth mindset.  As kids get older, the situations get more serious: learning to advocate for themselves, learning to solve problems on their own, learning to speak out against unethical or immoral acts.  As kids grow, we have to allow them to struggle as they learn new skills so they learn that failure leads to learning and success, not that failure leads to someone stepping in to do it for them.

Teaching Our Kids Critical Thinking Skills and Grit

So what can you do to help your child develop that growth mindset?  Here are some very tangible suggestions for how to push your child to develop the skills, critical thinking, and grit needed when things get tough:

1. Talk to your child openly about this concept.  When they ask for help, remind them that we learn by trying and practicing, not when others do things for us.  We need to explain that we will help by giving advice and through encouragement, but many things they will need to learn and do on their own.
2. Remind them of the Power of Yet!  We won’t be great at everything the first time we try it, but the more we try and the more we practice, the better we will get.  When they say they can’t do something, remind them that they just can’t do it YET, but that they will get better and better over time.
3. When they are a bit older, include them in household problem-solving.  When you need to create a grocery list, do a simple repair, or work out a budget, include them in the conversation.  This will model that everyone has challenges and that they can work with you to solve problems as they arise.
4. Model learning a new skill!  Whether you want to learn to play the guitar, invest, cook, or do some artistic landscaping, it’s good for your kids to see you struggling with new skills as well!  You can talk about your wins and frustrations as part of the learning process and model a growth mindset for them.
5. Work with your child to set goals.  Having goals and working towards them fosters motivation and engagement.  These can be goals for home or school, but having goals helps push us forward.

Model Growth Mindset

Parenting isn’t easy, and none of us wants to see our kids struggle.  But remember that it’s your job to help them learn how to problem solve and to learn new skills, not to solve problems or do things for them!  Teach and model that growth mindset and take advantage of those teachable moments.

Get Support for Your Child at School

Many schools these days share that they are a “PBIS school” or that they “Use the MTSS framework” for student support.  The use of these acronyms may leave some parents feeling lost or unsure about the programs that are in place for their children at school.  It’s important to know and understand the systems your child’s school uses so you can be informed when you are asking for support.

MTSS, a commonly used system for addressing student behavior and needs, stands for Multi-Tiered Systems of Support.  In this framework, efforts to support students are divided into three categories: Tier 1 (universal supports), Tier 2 (group supports), and Tier 3 (targeted interventions).  A breakdown of these tiers is provided below:

Tier 1: Universal Supports

These are supports and expectations that are in place for all students.  One of the basic elements of this tier is having a set of clear expectations for all students that are taught and enforced in all areas of the school.  Many schools use a set of expectations like, “Be safe, be responsible, and be respectful.”  These are recommended expectations because they are easy to understand and most student work and/or behaviors would fall into these three categories if they need to be addressed.  Schools also have explanations and examples of what meeting these expectations would look like in all areas of the school, including classrooms, walkways, and the cafeteria.  Tier 1 supports may also include a school token economy or rewards system, and there may be a set of both positive and negative consequences for meeting (or not meeting) these expectations.   Approximately 80-85% of students will be successful with just tier 1 level supports and interventions.

Tier 2: Group Support and Interventions

These supports will be necessary for 10-15% of the school population.  For these students, they have a specific need that is not addressed by tier 1 supports, but it is still a need that at least a small group of students may have.  For example, there may be a group of students who are bullying others or a group of students who are frequently absent from school.  These students may be referred for group therapy, additional check-ins with a staff member, or they may be referred for after-school tutoring or a club.

Tier 3: Targeted Interventions and Supports

Tier 3 supports should only be necessary for approximately 5% of the population.  These students need more targeted services and supports than most general education students, and school-based teams can work with families to determine which interventions are needed.  For example, a student may have extreme anxiety, may be far behind academically, or they may have a need for individual counseling or therapy.  Whatever the need, tier 3 interventions are typically unique and targeted to the specific needs of individual students.  To be clear, not every need will require tier 3 supports; these interventions are reserved for more serious and urgent student needs.

If you believe your child needs support, make sure you go to the school and advocate for your child.  Schools have systems, partnerships, and staff in place to bring these needs to the right people at the school so your child can get the support they need.  Using this information about typical supports at a school will help you have a great conversation with the staff at the school to help find the right support for you and your family.

How to Help Struggling Students Learn

It is a new school year with lots of exciting learning opportunities for my students. After completing several weeks of assessing and observing my students’ academic strengths and challenges, I have modified my teaching strategies based on best practices for children with English acquisition, behavior, and struggling reader needs. Listed below are successful strategies I am using to support some specific learning challenges.

English Learners

English learners receive weekly academic tutoring support from staff in a school-wide pull-out program. Additionally, English learners are seated next to compassionate and supportive English-speaking classmates who can interpret and guide their English learner peers with various assignments. Creating a safe environment is critical for my non-native speakers. Sentence frames and charted models were essential for them to use before they were willing to try on their own. Native speakers learn how to become effective tutors while guiding their English learner classmates. Additionally, to encourage organic speaking opportunities in the classroom, I moved to having student-teachers. After math tests were corrected, students who demonstrated understanding of a particular math problem from the test became the teacher for that problem. Even students who needed to work 1:1 with me during the test had an opportunity to articulate how to solve the problem to their peers. It was a natural way for them to reprocess their learning, raise their social status in the classroom, and build confidence.

Overly Active and Aggressive Students

Students with an undiagnosed learning challenge that may also include hyperactive/ attention deficit disorder can be frustrated and disruptive in traditional classroom settings. Some benefit from using sensory fidget toys to relieve stress and anxiety. Other students benefit from sitting apart from their classmates. Finding the proper setting for individual students takes time and patience. I also have the students evaluate what strategies work best when separating them from their peers. After a meeting with the parent and student, together we develop a plan that involves modifying a targeted behavior, a monitoring system, and a reward chart. For example, one student is motivated to cooperate with class work by sitting alone and earning a beef jerky treat at the end of class while another works with his classmates to earn fruit clusters. Extrinsic motivation is key for these high energy students.

Fearful, Anxious, and High Functioning Autistic Learners

Some students are overwhelmed with specific assignments. When assessing their academic skills, I find that these students are capable but can become emotionally anxious or will not perform when asked to complete a rigorous academic assignment. When students are overwhelmed, I break down the assignment into smaller tasks for each student. These smaller tasks will eventually meet the requirements of a rigorous assignment. Frequent check-ins help encourage these students to move beyond their discomfort. Once many of these students get started, most are very successful and achieve beyond their anticipated abilities.

Delayed Learners

Unfortunately, some of my students do not test well and are significantly behind their grade level abilities. They have not yet qualified for special education services, but still must complete their assignments in class. Once I have identified their academic needs, I use computer adaptive online assignments for reading and math assignments. When teaching reading and math, I use small group instruction to reinforce basic reading and math skill development. I also seat learning challenged students with classmates who can help them complete grade level assignments. This year I discovered the power of personal notes. Boosting a student’s confidence in the area that you see growth helps them build self-esteem and lets them know you see them. I would attach a handwritten note to important assignments letting them know how hard they tried, commenting on an area of strength, and then letting them know where they could grow. A delayed learner needs their teacher to be their biggest cheerleader because the struggle can be overwhelming.

Overall Classroom Success that Supports Cooperation at Home

When I am responsive to the individual needs of each of student, they feel validated, respected, and work harder to achieve success. As a class, we set milestone achievement celebrations that might include a tech play day, pajama and cuddly critter day, and a pizza movie day. As a class, we evaluate our class performance each day and earn points towards participating in these larger classroom celebration days.

The strategies we use in class also work effectively at home for most students. Wishing you much success in supporting your child’s learning this school year.