Purposeful Parenting Pointers

by Erik Youngman, Guest Blogger

Purposeful parenting pointers provide potential parameters to ponder.  Parenting could be considered the most difficult job because of the constantly changing variables. However, parenting is also extremely rewarding. Parents can support children success and healthy social-emotional growth in a variety of ways. While appreciating the monumental lifetime responsibilities of parenting, readers are encouraged to reflect about these potential parenting pointers to provide options to consider at different times for different children.

I frequently tell my three daughters and other students to be patient, polite, positive, and persistent. Enjoy reading additional words that begin with the letter “p” that will help parents empower children.

Patient

Model how to be patient while waiting or working for more positive outcomes. Focus on what you can control while deliberately thinking and behaving as efficiently or effectively as possible.  Recognize when you and/or your children can have an impact on the short- or long-term disappointing outcomes as you continue to focus on your effort, attitude, and focus.

Positivity

Having an optimistic and positive mindset can shape initial reactions during challenging situations and will likely be replicated by children in future scenarios. Openly discuss emotions and empower hope as you ensure children understand that you are there to listen so that they are not alone. Be positive about experiences and potential frustrations with family, friends, teachers, and athletic experiences. Easier said than done at times, but recognize when it would be best to not sweat the small stuff.

Polite

Model and empower politeness by focusing on empathy, kindness, and gratitude (EKG).  There are multiple ways to measure a person’s heart and how much they care. Modeling and empowering empathy, kindness, and gratitude creates a foundation for conversations and interactions.  Discuss benefits of showing empathy for others during challenging situations; kindness for self and others; and gratitude for opportunities, support, experiences, and relationships.

Persistence

Regardless if you call it persistence, resilience, or grit, model and empower learning  from mistakes, challenges, misunderstandings, and rejection. Keep trying different strategies and focusing on improvement when you have not accomplished something YET.  Pause for a moment to analyze options, be courageous, and enhance your focus, effort, and attitude. Persistence will help children as they embrace and learn from mistakes, challenges, misunderstandings, and rejection that happen daily and weekly while participating in coding, science, math, writing, athletics, music, acting, and collaboration.

Peaceful

Help establish routines and structures that empower times of quiet and peace. Model self-care and how to relax. Examples include limiting electronics, creating quiet places to calm down, establishing bedtime routines to ensure appropriate sleep, and engaging in family meals or games.

Praised

Praise children’s effort, attitude, and growth. Provide feedback that is specific, forward-thinking and timely to inspire grit, growth, reflection, innovation, and tenacity. Provide feedback that targets the activity, thinking, and self-regulation to encourage correction of misconceptions, empower transfer of learning, and reflection about thinking (metacognition).

Proud

Tell your children that you love them and frequently specify why you are proud of them. Enhancing pride enhances calculated risk-taking and builds confidence, courage, poise, and a focus on continuous improvement by getting better on every attempt and iteration. Proudly make and keep promises to your children and empower them to do the same to empower ownership and finishing what was started or given your word to complete.

Passion

Seek to understand your children’s passions and insecurities. Curiously ask questions, listen to responses, and observe them in different situations to see topics and activities that result in smiles, engagement, wonder, and passion. Empower your children to discover potential interests they can be passionate about as a child, not necessarily what you were passionate about as a child.

Purposeful 

Parents should model and empower purposeful actions to raise their children to become well-adjusted adults. Model how to reflectively learn from every interaction and to understand that they must responsibly and respectfully work to earn things in life.

Preparation

Parents should model and empower focusing on variables that can be controlled.  Being organized and prepared to participate in activities allows children to engage in activities rather than being frustrated because they are late or not prepared with necessary resources.  Example areas to target include healthy eating choices, empowering children to get dressed by themselves while also doing their daily hygiene routines and preparing teenagers to use an alarm clock so they are responsible for getting ready each day. Teaching your children how to prepare themselves a healthy breakfast and pack a lunch for school and having all of their school supplies ready when they leave for school also teaches responsibility that can continue to be enhanced as children grow older.

Productive Progress

Model how to recognize, appreciate, and empower incremental progress via reflection, goal setting, and self-assessment.  Focus on progress and quality rather than perfection.

Process

Focus on choices, strategies, adaptability, and growth during the process rather than only the result.  Reflect about your impact, effort, attitude, and interactions with others. Appreciate analysis of mistakes or growth, learning, progress, changes, or opportunities.

Parameters

Establish limits that also provide children with ownership. Give children opportunities to surprise you and themselves, and never underestimate them. Establish routines and traditions, spend time with them, introduce them to games and activities, and choose your battles based on safety, frequency, and impact.

Problem-solving

Rather than you solving every problem, help younger children learn how to solve problems and react while you can still give them pointers and support. Solving problems for them all of the time diminishes the learning opportunities that will be needed as they get older and take responsibility for amplified impacts. Empower autonomy, agency, ownership, strategizing, reflection, and communication skills to decrease disagreements while enhancing awareness of when to ask for help. Guide, teach, and explain options and impacts rather than making every decision for children. Help children understand the relationship between demonstrating more responsibility and earning more trust and autonomy.

Partnerships

Explain benefits of partnering with others to impact positive outcomes. Teach children collaboration, teamwork, leadership, and how to understand different perspectives while promoting others.

Play

One of the best parts of being a parent is playing with your children. Empower creativity, taking calculated risks, smiling, and having fun. Splash in puddles, dance in the rain, creatively make messy art projects, experiment with baking and cooking, play sports in the mud, daydream, draw, take funny pictures, and listen to music.  You can wash the messes away, but the memories will stay.

Presence

Be present and teach your children critical, polite, and appropriate times to make eye contact and listen. Put your device down and give them your full attention. Enjoy family meals and help your children spend more energy and awareness in the moment rather than worrying about the future. Learn from your kids while also helping them learn. Children grow up fast so savor moments, hugs, smiles, and laughter.

Pivot

Model and empower pivoting or adapting to the changing times and circumstances. Expect the unexpected while being prepared to change strategies, directions, or perspectives. Benefits include enhancing confidence, courage, creativity, flexibility, and leadership.

Ponder

Curiously and creatively hypothesize and reflect about lessons learned from experiences.  Reflect about continuous improvement, empathy, kindness, gratitude, and about feedback to empower your children to be teachable, coachable, and approachable.

Polished

Help children understand different times when their appearance or work should be polished.  Help them recognize that their dress and hygiene is more important during particular situations.  Similarly, there are times when feedback and experiences should lead to polished presentations, quality work, excellent performance, and best efforts.

Purposeful Parenting Pointers

Purposeful parenting pointers provide potential phenomenal parameters to ponder and practice. What are your reactions and success stories about these parenting pointers?  I would love to hear feedback and questions via Twitter (@Erik_Youngman) so we can continue reflective conversations about purposeful parenting. Share this blog with a fellow parent and discuss what might be helpful for your children in the coming years to prepare them to be well-adjusted adults.

Dr. Erik Youngman’s Biography

Dr. Erik Youngman is an education leader who is passionate about topics such as homework, growth mindset, grading, and leadership.  Published books he has written include, “The Magic of Growth Mindset,” and “12 Characteristics of Deliberate Homework,” as well as a chapter for, “100 No-Nonsense Things That All Teachers Should Stop Doing.” Erik has also written numerous blogs about growth mindset and grading.

This is his twenty-first year in educational leadership.  Erik is the Assistant Superintendent for Libertyville District 70 in Libertyville, Illinois.  Previous education experiences include being a principal in Libertyville as well as an assistant principal and teacher in Gurnee, Illinois.

Erik earned a Doctorate in Educational Leadership, Education Specialist Degree, and Master of Science in Education from Northern Illinois University and a Bachelor of Arts from Augustana College.  Please follow and contact Erik via Twitter @Erik_Youngman or his website: ErikYoungman.com

Managing School Year Stress

During the first weeks of each semester, children will come home daily with many needs, stories of exciting adventures, and frustrating challenges that must be resolved. Parents typically feel overwhelmed with the many school supplies needed for each classroom. Added paperwork must be completed for classroom teachers. Children must also adjust their personal schedules to meet individual classroom schedules.

Managing Stress

We can model effective stress management behavior by taking a deep breath, reflecting, and choosing our words carefully as life becomes demanding. Our family will be happier during the afterschool routines if we are calm and respectful. Most family members need a break when they first arrive home from work and afterschool activities. The kids want to play or watch television. The parents want to change into their cozy clothes and relax. Younger children demand hugs and quality time with their parents. Some families preplan their dinners each week and eat leftovers every other day to simplify and support a relaxed evening. Other families make simple meals on alternate nights and purchase prepared food at the grocery store. Whatever the solution for dinner preparation, it is important to strive for a relaxed evening.

Homework Demands

Homework demands also require that families consider the best time for individual children to complete their assignments. Some families love to get up early, eat breakfast, and review spelling and math facts in the morning. Some children learn best after playing outside and eating a nutritious snack. Most middle school and high school students prefer working on homework after dinner. Parents must be flexible when having their children select the best time for their individualized learning needs.

Time Management

As the demands of the school year increase, your children may tire earlier and may need guidance on how to manage their schedules. Some children love to binge watch television while others need lots of time outside or playing on the computer. Many are social and want more playdates with friends. When helping our children plan their days, it is important to allow sufficient time for rest, eating, relaxation, homework, and socialization by:

• Checking-in with your children daily
• Asking your children to reflect on daily successes and challenges
• Brainstorming strategies for overcoming challenges
• Checking-in with the teacher when your child has unresolved concerns
• Securing added support when necessary
• Helping children lay out clothes and school items each evening
• Having children relax before bedtime by discussing the day and reading stories together
• Ensuring that children have a regular bedtime for sufficient sleep
• Using alarm clocks to help children wake-up on time each morning
• Helping children develop personal grooming skills
• Providing a healthy breakfast each morning and packing a nutritional lunch
• Planning afterschool activities so the children can relax, enjoy outside play, eat nutritional snacks, and complete homework
• Limiting screen time and encouraging more outside play
• Organizing playdates and activities with school friends
• Scheduling homework time so that children can independently work on assignments
• Making a plan to help children complete more challenging homework assignments when rested
• Coordinating children’s need for homework support with teachers
• Hosting homework and project study groups in your home

Winter Challenges

During the winter months, you may find that you are tired and your kids are becoming more depleted at the end of the school day. You can add these strategies when responding to increased stresses:

• Program the alarm clocks to play happy, meditative, or invigorating music each morning.
• Teach children basic yoga deep breathing strategies and morning stretches.
• Encourage your family to sing songs to popular show tunes or when listening to a favorite radio station when driving to school.
• Create art projects when listening to music to inspire creativity.
• Relish school days.
• Model a healthy outlook during the week to help your children adapt to change and prepare for new challenges.
• Take time for yourself to exercise, play, rest, eat nutritional meals, and enjoy your family.
• Simplify dinners to ensure a relaxing evening for all and make leftover dinners for alternate nights.
• Get help when needed.
• Use support networks to simplify your days.
• Provide your children with loving, stimulating, and nurturing care.
• Use humor to diffuse stressful situations.

As you review the effective strategies for managing your daily life, you may find that you need additional help. Children can thrive when childcare is shared with extended family members, neighbors, and afterschool friends. A child friendly schedule for working parents requires flexibility and creativity. Parents can use networks to simplify daily life and provide added time for loving, stimulating, and nurturing their children.

When childcare and carpool schedules meet your needs, the household functions more smoothly. Alternative plans should also be identified to account for sickness, changed schedules, and childcare adjustments. This stage in your family’s growth must be met with humor, adaptability, and love. Your children will grow up quickly. You will soon be laughing about the chaotic, crazy days of parenthood.

Sample Case Study

The sample worksheet below highlights how Rosa is managing her weekly schedule by considering her personal needs, the needs of her family, and how she will use others to support her scheduling challenges.

Although the proposed worksheet may seem ambitious, it can help you plan for the many demands of your thriving family while you maintain a sense of calm and balance in your daily life.

How to Parent Today’s  Kids for Success 

Parents become anxious when considering the negative effects of becoming a tiger mama or a helicopter parent with their children during these Covid pandemic times. Although they strive to protect their children from harm, parents also want to ensure that their children are successful in today’s world. For example, dozens of parents purchased their children’s acceptances into competitive colleges by sending funds to a fraudulent checking account managed by a corrupt college counselor. The counselor used these funds to bribe college sports coaches to accept unqualified students on a college team and paid corrupt test proctors to change students’ standardized testing results. Some prospective college students may have signed their college admissions packets without understanding the implications of their parents’ actions. Others believed that their parents were being morally responsible when helping them falsify their college application documentation.

Parents’ Stressful Responses

As our children return to schools, parents are struggling with how to model effective parenting skills while juggling demanding careers, multiple jobs, and ensuring that their children are safe during the Covid pandemic, when traveling or living in crime ridden communities, and while surfing the internet. Many parents solve these challenges by:

• Helicoptering their children with too many demands for their time to exhaustion
• Allowing too much freedom as their children become lured into gang-related activities, online gaming, or becoming addicted to internet activities.
• Forcing their children to grow up too quickly with extensive sibling care and household responsibilities while parents work more than one job to feed their family

Solutions for Managing Daily Stresses

In the next few weeks, our blogs will share:

• Proven strategies for learning responsible behaviors that nurture independence, problem-solving, and resiliency skills
• Best practices for healthy living, and moral and spiritual guidance
• Effective partnership strategies with schools, career explorations, and planning for college and careers
• Daily time management suggestions for families and when encountering life’s more difficult challenges (i.e. illness, crime, divorce, or natural disasters)

We will include skill building guidance, case studies, worksheet samples, and added resources when applicable. The various activities and examples included in each blog are collected from over 30 years of field experiences with families in schools and communities. Parents have reported that these skills provide “valuable information with many smart tips . . .” and “are a great resource . . . to maintain a positive outlook while navigating all sorts of situations with two young children.”

Teaching Children Responsible Behaviors

From the time children are preschoolers, it is important to set appropriate boundaries in how they relate to family members and how the family functions daily. Each child should start helping with household chores and sibling support by the time they start elementary school. They must learn to organize their day for personal hygiene, chores, and maintaining personal belongings. Children need loving guidance, modeling, and feedback as they grow to become self-sufficient responsible family members.

Authoritative Parenting Characteristics

There are many types of parents in the world. Some parents are very authoritative and try and manage every aspect of their children’s lives. These tiger mamas or helicopter parents tend to exhibit some of the following personality characteristics:

• Are demanding about a need and will not discuss options or negotiate choices
• Believe that their approach to life and daily challenges are optimal
• Expect that their children will follow their rules
• Can be excessively punitive or shaming when a child has misbehaved
• May discipline by physically hurting the child, placing on probation for extended periods of time, or limiting access to a privilege for an extended period of time
• Can be intolerable when their children express emotions, demonstrate weakness, or are fearful of change

Permissive Parenting Traits

A permissive parent does not set boundaries or consequences for their children’s misbehavior. Many permissive parents are over-whelmed with daily life or do not want to squander their children’s curiosity and passion for life. These parents tend to:

• Have children care for themselves and do not provide added support for food preparation, bedtimes, homework completion, or basic hygiene.
• Ignore or are excessively tolerant when their children are rambunctious and disregard the safety and care of personal possessions
• Allow their children to work through conflicts and daily challenges on their own without any support or guidance
• Are too busy or preoccupied with their own lives to provide quality time and guidance to their children
• Allow their children to manage their own lives without consequences for misbehavior, not attending school, not caring for possessions, or planning for future careers.

Coaching and Mentor Parenting

Parents can effectively serve as coaches and mentors for their children. For example, they can consider their children’s personalities, how to provide choices when setting boundaries, and winning cooperation through effective problem-solving communications. These parents support their children by:

• Effectively listening to their children’s needs and clarifying what they want to achieve when asking for freedoms and responsibilities
• Helping our children identify an appropriate solution to a challenge and setting clear expectations for achieving success
• Helping our children understand boundaries that must be determined to ensure their safety and success
• Reassure our children feel loved and respected with their various contributions to the family and personal successes
• Giving our children responsibilities and opportunities to support the family and community.

Much success as you strive to effectively mentor and coach your children.

Mary Ann

How Our Kids Can Overcome COVID-19 Social Isolation

This winter is a first for being separated from large groups of people due to the devastating COVID-19 pandemic. The good news is that this soon should pass as more of our elders and community members are vaccinated from this debilitating and deadly virus. But, until we can play with others again, how do we stay connected with our friends, families, and keep our kids socialized? Here is a list of various activities that families have reported success with during these last few months:

Family-Based Projects

As more families are locked into small spaces, they are teaching their children to become entrepreneurs. Some of these kids are partners with others and starting a small business like designing and creating stickers, holiday decorations, and crafts. Others are building computers for producing games, movies, and other products. Still others are having their children learn to cook and bake interesting new recipes for the family. This spring many will be planting vegetable and flower gardens. Our kids can learn how to install sprinkler systems that conserve water. Others will learn how to build container gardens. Some will learn how to help their parents with various household repairs and construction projects. Families that bond together when completing these critical services are teaching their children effective house management skills that reinforce academic learning and teamwork.

Support the Community

Many families have expanded their community services by participating in environmental cleanup days, writing letters to the military and isolated community members, and fundraising for families that need food and other basic needs. Some families are helping with various fundraising activities by participating in virtual sporting events that raise funds while others are writing grants for community service organizations. The skills your children will gain will contribute to their future career development skills and compassion for those in need.

Host Virtual Reunions

Most families are seeing each other now more than ever through various virtual platforms. Many host regular holiday celebrations online in addition to ongoing monthly social hours or online family game nights. There are a multitude of online family games all can play in addition to regular games that can be fun online. For example, grandparents taught grandkids how to play Candyland and Chutes and Ladders online. The grandkids had the board game at their home and could watch their grandparents online as they demonstrated how to play the game. These activities will entertain kids for hours. Grandchildren can also play remotely with dolls, construct art projects, dictate stories that are kept in grandparents’ journals, and receive help with homework.

Plan Family Outings

Many plan regular family outings to local and state parks. The children can plan and fix the family menu. They can study a map and decide how the family will drive to their destination. The kids can research the various costs and activities that can be pursued at the park and create the daily budget. They can also organize a treasure hunt, a hike, or picture taking adventure. These events will be remembered for years.

Treasure these special times together as this added dedicated time with our kids and families will soon be a treasured time in our past as more folks are vaccinated and free to return to work, travel, and school.

Enjoy the journey!

Mary Ann

Copyright (c) 2021 by GenParenting

Parenting Children on the Autism Spectrum

Having a child on the autism spectrum generally has a major impact on any family. In these difficult times that require us to shelter in place, the impact is likely to be more extensive. Families with such challenges may already tend to isolate themselves out of concern over their child’s tendency toward inappropriate behavior. Below are a few suggestions to enhance improvement of family life.

Consider the Natural and Required Tendency toward Isolation

This tendency toward isolation occurs even when families realize the importance of social engagement. However, isolation is likely to be even more of a challenge when everyone is expected to isolate themselves. To enhance success, begin by reaching out to extended family and friends or peers from school who are familiar and can be trusted. Any form of communication such as the phone, text, or face time should be considered. Messaging applications like Zoom or Google Hangouts might be utilized.

Continue to be as Consistent as Possible

You probably already realize that routines are comforting to kiddos on the spectrum. Do your best to keep as many of them as possible. Stick to regular daily living routines such as bed-times. No doubt, you have had to build in new routines to include school-work and exercise.

Consider Calming Activities

If children are frustrated, worried, or scared, they may have more repetitive behaviors like rocking or flapping, tantrums, and other challenging behaviors. It helps to find ways for them to work through strong emotions by expressing them through such activities as: talking, writing, painting. Deep breathing, music, exercise, or talking to Grandma on the phone might also be helpful.

Keep Your Sense of Humor and Take Time to Laugh

With all of the cautions that surround us, it is important to seek out upbeat media such as music that makes you want to dance. Stay away from television shows that are depressing. Just watching the news these days can be a downer. Maintaining your own physical and mental health is essential as you know.

Realize that Siblings May Also Need Help

The challenges faced by a child on the spectrum can have both positive and negative effects on siblings. While many siblings are often more tolerant of the differences in people and show compassion for those with special needs, some feel resentment at the extra attention given to their sibling. They may resent having to take on extra chores. It is extremely important to keep the lines of communication open so that siblings can talk about their feelings without being judged and realize that their feelings are normal. They should have a private, autism-free zone all to themselves.

Make sure there is some time that friends can visit the siblings without being interrupted even if the visit is virtual. It might be helpful for siblings to talk to others who are also siblings of individuals on the spectrum. Just googling something like support for siblings of children on autism spectrum will produce resources such as at www.autismspeaks.org/covid-19-information-and-resources-families.

Much succes for you and your children!

Ruth

Copyright (c) 2021 by GenParenting