The Power of “No”

My daughter was always an eager, adventurous eater. Once she was old enough to be introduced to solid foods, there was no stopping the discovery of culinary delights! She slurped down noodles, chomped up her vegetables, sipped on bone-broth soups. She sampled foods from every cuisine including American, Chinese, Mexican, Japanese, Thai, and Greek. However, we started discovering that she complained about certain cookies, or Vietnamese noodles, or some but not all granola bars. Completely baffled, we asked her what was wrong with these foods and she said that they were spicy. Soon enough, she had her first ever PB&J sandwich. That’s when her face got red and swollen, her throat closed up making breathing difficult – she was experiencing an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts.

In the aftermath of discovering her peanut allergy, we had to make lots of changes in her diet. Our once adventurous eater became a hesitant eater. One could even call her a picky eater, but no one was blaming her! When she asked why she had allergies, we explained that every person is born with certain physical attributes and personality traits, and it’s what we do with them that gives us character. We explained to her that her physical attribute of having a food allergy might be contributing to the development of a strong personality trait of self-control. In other words, my 5-year-old was learning the power of “no” at an early age.

Setting Boundaries

What does “no” look like to a 5-year-old in this context, you may wonder? Some kids may think that “no” is a punishment, a restriction, or a denial of privileges and pleasures. However, you may actually be surprised that this is not the case! A “no” response to certain foods meant that my daughter trusted her parent’s better judgement for her safety. A “no” response meant that my daughter acknowledged and respected her natural limitations and boundaries.

So how is this powerful? She is now 13 years old, but from a young age, my daughter has learned the power of “no” and has used it many times. Here are some of the lessons learned:

It’s ok to say “no” to friends. Just as peanuts are bad for her, she has realized that certain friendships and relationships can be toxic, too.
It’s ok to say “no” as a means of delayed gratification. She has received many gift cards for birthdays and holiday gifts, but has said “no” to impulse spending. Instead, she saved them up to buy something better and more significant, usually when it is at a discount.
A “no” response is an opportunity to explore something different. After a while, being allergic to peanuts did not stop her from trying new foods. Bring on pickled herring, stinky tofu, kimchi, and durian! This same spirit of exploration was applied to playing sports, learning a new hobby, and learning how to cook.
A “no” response is not always the final answer. It may mean that her desired outcome was meant to happen after some reflection or personal growth, perhaps at a different time or with a different outcome all together.
Sometimes, “no” means “no.” Not everything in life goes our way and sometimes, we have to learn to accept reality and be content. Being content is truly liberating!

How are you practicing the power of “no” with your kids?

Jaime

How to Become a Mindful and Attentive Parent

Each January, I consider how I can do a better job of balancing my daily life when considering my family’s needs, work obligations, and needs for play, exercise, and spiritual growth. When I consider my family’s needs, I find that my ability to give sufficient attention and listen to individual family members can be challenged when working on another project or trying to multi-task to finish a household chore. This coming year, I plan to overcome this challenge by becoming more mindful and attentive in my daily interactions with family members. I also plan to track how many minutes a day I am able to focus on individual family members when they are talking to me or when I am engaged in one-on-one activities. I plan to also implement the following time management strategies:

Time Management Strategies

Simplify each day by reducing the number of chores attempted each day.
Cook dinners three times a week with planned leftovers on alternate nights.
Encourage teens and other adults to alternate cooking meals and help with meal preparations.
Schedule 30 minutes a day with each child and teach the family to respect the time allocated for each child. (Through consistency and example, children learn quickly how to respect each child’s allocated time.)
Give myself an hour a day for exercise, meditation, leisurely reading, or thinking.
Schedule another hour a day to spend with my partner so we can talk about our lives and brainstorm solutions to daily challenges.
Limit the time spent watching mindless television shows and playing on the computer or phone.
Manage my work schedule.
Consider how frequently I am leaving the home at night for meetings, social events, and errands. Adjust my schedule to regularly be home at night for the family.
Consolidate errands and limit them to a couple of times a week.
Brainstorm other strategies to spend more time with family and less time being preoccupied with daily responsibilities.

More Family Play

May your new year be filled with more family time. As you and your children brainstorm solutions to managing daily tasks, they will thrive because you will be more relaxed and have more time to play. When parents model effective parenting and household management strategies, their children feel valued. They also have the opportunity to talk with their parents when they feel challenged with family members at home and with the demands at school.

Much success with mindful parenting!

Mary Ann

Celebrate Martin Luther King’s Holiday by Promoting Peaceful Solutions

Many schools and families celebrate the Martin Luther King Holiday by participating in community service activities to promote peaceful solutions. Our blogging team created a reflective writing activity for students at a local school. After reading an article about Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech on nonviolent social change for freedom, students completed the following questions:

List 5 dreams you have for a more equitable and peaceful life in your classroom or at home. Draw a picture of 1 dream.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

When reflecting on this activity, students shared that they felt excited about resolving conflicts at school by learning how to set boundaries for acceptable and not acceptable behaviors. For example, they could talk with the yard duty supervisor when a student violated their defined boundaries. A major challenge for most students is learning how to speak up when another child says mean or ugly statements. When students are insulted, they can learn how to tell another child to stop the behavior and then play with those who are caring and kind.

Parents can reinforce this activity by completing it at home. You and your children can brainstorm how you will care for each other when one of your children is rude or disrespectful. Some children are encouraged to take a time-out to reflect on their feelings and then talk with the offending sibling. You can also help your children learn how to talk with each other about their frustrations when experiencing mean and ugly behaviors from each other.

May you and your children have much success in honoring each other with nonviolent negotiated boundaries for personal growth.

Warm regards,

Mary Ann

Helping Our Children Manage Their Feelings

I just survived another challenging Monday morning in the classroom. My second-grade students were scheduled to attend an educational assembly early Monday morning until a series of power outages forced the staff to cancel the assembly. Then we returned to our classroom after completing a few exercises.

We started our classroom activities by talking about feelings for the day. We listened to a guided mediation where two children have built sand castles on the beach. After a couple of hours, the ocean surf washes away the sand castles. One child is happy while the other child is sad.

Can We Control Our Feelings?

We are not our feelings. We have a choice. This is difficult for most adults to realize. After completing the meditation, I drew a smaller circle within a larger circle on the white board. I told my students that the smaller circle represented those feelings that we can control. The larger circle represented the feelings we cannot control. I then asked the students to discuss what feelings they can control when thinking about the meditation in relation to everyday life.

Joey said, “I can control how I feel about going to school each day. I can be happy or sad. It is up to me.”

Rachel said, “I cannot control how my mom feels about my behavior, but I can choose if I want to be nice or mean when she is angry with me. I cannot control how long she is angry with me.”

Chad was very angry during the activity. He kept interrupting his peers and said, “I am mad about the sand castle disappearing. I do not want to let go of my anger. I am afraid to let go of it because I may lose control or get hurt.”

Is It OK to Have Feelings?

I told Chad he had a choice and that he could use photos of sad faces, happy faces, serene faces, and worried faces to display his feelings. Initially, he selected a face that was incredibly angry. I thanked him for sharing this feeling with me. I then reassured him that it was also OK to select a neutral photo and that he could explore how he might express a wide range of emotions. With my encouragement, Chad said he was angry about all of the hours his parents had to work and he did not have time to just be with them. As Chad expressed his frustrations, he became calm and was ready to learn for the day. He then made the conscious effort to select how he wanted to feel versus how he was feeling.

We All Need Emotional Support

What I learned is that my students need added support daily from their parents and from me to release their stored frustrations. Daily life is difficult for kids when they see their parents struggle to get food on the table, juggle multiple jobs, take care of the family’s needs, and have enough money to pay the bills. We can reassure our children that we have a choice and responsibility in how we feel.

Much serenity in your daily life!

Danielle

Preparing for a New Year of Blogs

I recently decided to return to the classroom to help second grade students learn basic subjects. I am also considering becoming a substitute or long-term part-time teacher for a local school. When I write the blogs and parenting articles for families, I need constant contact with kids and their parents. This challenge has been solved by:

Providing workshops on parent education topics for schools and nonprofits serving families and education
Distributing reading materials for families at workshops and community fairs
Reading to kids and families at local events
Demonstrating how kids learn when playing with toys at toy stores and through community presentations
Working with teachers and parents in classrooms and modeling how to differentiate learning strategies for children

We Support Our Readers’ Needs

When we prepare for our blogging work in 2020, our blogging team is reflecting on our many successes and how we can support our readers’ ongoing concerns. We find that:

We must continue to provide parents with opportunities to help their children succeed as learners in the challenging times in our communities.
Parents can ensure that their children feel safe and secure in their daily lives at home and at school.
Families should balance each day to find time for themselves and for each child.
We can help our children explore careers through volunteering, internships, and summer jobs.
Our community must respond to those in need to foster healthy growth for all through community services, service-learning activities, and family projects.
Families and schools can help children develop their personal ethics and morality. They can reinforce a family’s values and the school’s guidelines for healthy and supportive learning for all.
All of us can nurture heathy emotional serenity. We can appreciate all that we have and express our gratitude to our family, friends, and community members.

Much peace and enlightenment this holiday season and the coming year!

Mary Ann