Learn to Parent Adults in College

My husband and I headed back to Berkeley a year ago after EJ completed his last set of finals. We were picking him up for the last time to complete his final school semester at home. Was college already coming to an end for him? We collectively decided to complete EJ’s final semester at home in Los Angeles. The move back home made the best financial sense.

When your child leaves as a senior in high school and returns as a senior in college, expectations and parenting shifts tremendously. My husband and I had to learn how to step back and reset boundaries for ourselves and our young man. Nothing could prepare us for how much he had grown, developed, and changed in three years. It is tough to be clear about expectations without smothering my adult child. Having him home for the holidays was fantastic, but we had to make some agreements and set new rules for how we would coexist in this new young adult season.

We listened. We often talked about what was acceptable and not. There was a struggle. EJ felt we were smothering him. He did not realize how not knowing when he would be home created stress for us. The following is a list of strategies that helped us with our transition:

Weekly check-ins and keep it short, direct, and to the point. Never be afraid to have those courageous conversations about responsibilities regarding school, work, relationships, dating, and remaining focused on the goal. Enjoy school and graduate!
We agreed to treat EJ at home as if he were still living in Berkeley. He was free to come and go as he needed. However, EJ needed to respect our work schedules and inform us when he was leaving the house and when he planned to return, even if he planned to return the next day. EJ left us with the phone number of one friend who was going with him in an emergency.
Each conversation was an opportunity for a wellness check-in and a time to remind him that we were on Team EJ.
Utilized moments to encourage, inspire, and cheer EJ on in the final semester.

The pandemic made the last semester feel like time slowed down, almost to a stop. However, despite the myriads of challenges during the pandemic, we finally got through the final semester of Berkeley. In May 2021, we celebrated virtually EJ’s graduation from the university. We are the proud parents of a CAL grad! We are still learning how to best parent each day during this young adult season. We are making it work as a team because we take each day one moment at a time. We’re proud of EJ. He is a great human being and is still becoming. We stand ready to support him in this new role and look forward to his next!

My College Son Thrives When Sheltering in Place!

E.J. is now in his third year at U.C. Berkeley as a college senior. He has chosen to continue his life at the university in the Bay Area during the coronavirus pandemic. My first reaction to his decision was panic because I wanted my son to return home where life would be safe. My son convinced me that his decision to continue to shelter in place at the university was best because he was used to studying in his college residence while continuing his studies online.

House Rules

E.J.’s house mates also instituted the following safety rules:

There are only 10 students living in a residence that typically supports 25 students. This allows for social distancing with each student living in their own room.
The students do not allow others to visit inside the house.
Students visit with friends outside and on the patio when social distancing.
Food is prepared in the kitchen and is stocked to feed students for up to 6 weeks.
The 10 students living in the house eat together daily and check in with each other to ensure all are safe and emotionally supported.

Family Check Ins

As my son continues to thrive at this very stressful time, I check in with him regularly to ensure that all is well. When we talk, I remind him about his faith and our practices of spiritual and mindfulness activities. We discuss various exercise routines and how we each keep ourselves from being isolated. We also discuss how my son now has more time to process his school work through the support of Zoom study groups and sessions with his professors through Goggle Meet.

Practice Gratitude

As my child continues to excel when living in a new environment of social distancing, I am grateful for the many growth opportunities that been provided for him during his college years.

Happy distance learning!

Yvette

College Students Work to Explore Careers

Last summer EJ completed an incredible job of self-discovery as a camp counselor in a Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math (S.T.E.M.) summer program at Stanford University. He worked with middle and high school students who were guided to the program through their parents’ selection or were returning campers who were passionate about the program.

What Students Can Learn Through Career Jobs

EJ found that it was easier to work with the high school students who were focused on exploring a career in S.T.E.M. occupations. These students were more engaged in the program and had more confidence when participating in various activities. Through these wonderful and challenging experiences, my son learned the following:

He has incredible leadership skills.
As he became more engaged in the program, the students were excited about their learning.
It was amazing to observe the students’ performance and growth during the program.
As an employee, EJ was excited to receive his first formal performance evaluation that reflected his leadership successes.

Reflection

Now EJ is busy with a demanding college year of upper division science classes. The confidence he gained during his summer employment continues to inspire him in his current career path of study, discovery, and growth.

May your children value their many learning experiences!

Yvette

Keeping Balance in My Daily Life

Last summer, I made a commitment to expand my own personal growth when I discovered that I would not have my college son living at home during the summer break. When reviewing the list of activities that I planned to complete during the summer, I found the following mixed results:

I increased my exercise routine by walking at least three times a week. Now I am focusing on moving and exercising daily. I am also committed to finding a friend to walk with to increase my exercise goals throughout the school year.
Although I read many work-related books, I still have not found the time to enjoy leisure reading. I plan to find more time for relaxing with books in the future.
As a commitment to make time for visiting friends, I walk every Saturday that I am home with my cousin. On Sundays, I started meeting a friend for coffee. I am also participating in a series of leadership seminars in northern California and plan to see friends when traveling.
I continue to take the time to be a kid for a day with my spouse. We traveled to Chicago and bicycled along Lake Michigan. We took leisurely walks along the Santa Monica Pier. We visited Northern California and Camarillo for added play dates this fall season.
Finally, I excelled at getting my house organized for another school year. I cleaned out my kitchen cabinets and one of my bathrooms. I gave away over 10 sacks of papers, brochures, and collectibles. And I donated over 100 professional books to the library or gave them to teachers.

Reflection

Although I accomplished much this past summer, I continue to increase my daily exercise routine and play with my friends to feel relaxed and refreshed during another busy school year.

Relish the beauty of these lovely fall days. Play hard, work hard, and take the time to reflect on all that is good in your life.

Yvette

Providing Social-Emotional Support to Our College Children

Many students struggle at various times during their college years with academic challenges and try to determine the next steps in their career paths. They may be burned out, overwhelmed, or confused about their academic progress. When they question their next steps, they may ask their parents for added support or guidance. Here at 10 tips for providing our young adults with the social-emotional support they so desperately need:

Listen attentively and without judgement.
Make sure our kids hear our support.
Refocus the goal of what they are trying to achieve in college and in their career paths.
Reteach our children not to fear challenges.
Reassure them that “failure is the sweet smell of success” per Roberta DePorter, co-founder of the SuperCamp program.
Urge them to lighten their college course load.
Support their participation in extra-curricular activities.
Encourage travel and new experiences with different types of people.
Provide them more space and allow them to grow.
Give them permission to slow down their career paths and timeline to graduate from college.

As we watch our children overcome life’s many challenges with thoughtful and creative resiliency, we can cheer them on to new levels of growth and achievement. The journey to becoming happy and successful adults is filled with many opportunities to grow and prosper in spite of life’s difficulties.

Much Success!

Yvette