Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships After Conflict

Parent-Child Relationships

The picture I posted is one of my mother and I a few years before her descent into Alzheimer’s Disease put her beyond my reach. She taught me so much about strengthening her parent-child relationships. Even in the midst of conflict, her love and respect bolstered our relationship. I will always treasure this gift.

By the time you read this blog, Thanksgiving will be over and the Christmas/New Year Holiday will be coming up soon. Hopefully, your Thanksgiving experience was a positive one. We set enormous expectations for our families during the holidays. Many of us have put down stakes in the post-election divide. These factors may have led to some angry discussions at the Thanksgiving Table. Our children take their cues on how to behave when they watch us. Also, our kids may have felt pressure because we required their “best behavior” at these family events. One of the first places where our children learn about conflict is in their family. How can such conflict strengthen parent-child relationships?

Strengthen Parent-Child Relationships Through Dialogue

When you and your child have had a power struggle, take time to talk about what has happened with these guidelines:

Clarify your expectations and explain how they were not met.
Allow time for each person to speak without interruption. Set the timer for 3 minutes per person until each person has presented their own side.
Come to a mutual agreement about how the rules will be followed in the future.

How I Applied This in My Own Life

My four children used to fight over who dreamstime_l_15197107 would ride shotgun in my car. They might yell “shotgun” or run and climb into the front seat. They might wrestle with each other. It was a conflict that could never be resolved and someone always felt cheated. This happened over and over again.

One day when we were all calm, I asked them to come up with a solution that would be fair to everyone. They agreed that they would take turns. Because they each had a voice in the decision, there was less conflict over this issue in the future. This helped everyone practice resolving conflict in a respectful manner.

These adversarial times in our country provide opportunities for us to strengthen parent-child relationships.

Above all remember how precious your children are. Love and respect this gift.

Karen

Teachable Moments from Conflict

The election and its aftermath have showcased the anger and bitterness that come from conflict. The deep divide is everywhere. How can conflict be a teachable moment?

We have to process our own feelings. While some people will be happy, others will be very disappointed. Nonetheless, we must respect the feelings of others. Unless we find common ground, we won’t be able to move forward. Also, remember we have an opportunity to show our children how to continue after a disappointment.

I wanted to share a recent interaction with my 4 year old granddaughter and 2 year old grandson post election. My granddaughter told me she knew I was sad “because Hillary lost” and gave me a hug. Then she reminded me that she was also sad. We hugged each other, exchanging a moment of comfort. Then my grandson saw a campaign button for Hillary. He looked me straight in the eye and said “That’s Hillary.” The conviction in his voice reminded me how important it is for children to find their voices. It also reminded me that they are closely watching us for cues as to how to respond to disappointment.

At the Thanksgiving table it will be important for us to identify our priorities, namely our family and friendships. Remember who we are to each other. These are the people we love. Even though our politics may differ, from that connection we can move forward together with love.

Above all, remember how precious your children are. Love and cherish this gift. Wishing you lots of love and respect at your Thanksgiving table.

Karen

Manage Conflict in the Moment: Stay Calm

How do you manage conflict when you are in the middle of a power struggle with your child?

You are out grocery shopping with your three year old who starts crying for the candy strategically located at the check-out line.
Your teenager has just passed the driving test and wants the keys to the car but you need your car.
Your middle-schooler has broken curfew and not contacted you. What do you do?

Once the struggle has begun, how can you change direction? The first thing you have to do is calm down. Second, help your child to calm down. Third, move on. Here are some strategies for doing this.

Take away the audience

Defusing conflict requires focus, privacy and quiet. Find a quiet place, such as the child’s bedroom, where you can talk to your child alone.

Use timeouts

Find a change of setting to get away from the situation, such as a a walk outside, or some time alone. These actions can help you and your child to remain calm.

Use incentives to change behavior

An incentive such as food, the promise of a play date, or even television time can be negotiated to reframe the conflict.

Minimize time in a power struggle

Be straightforward and remember that the word “No” can be a complete sentence. End the discussion and move on to talking about happy times ahead.

Examples

Our three year old granddaughter went far away from home with her family. When she was unable to stop crying, a chair was set outside within our view, in a peaceful setting. It was designated as the crying chair. Time sitting on this chair was not punitive, but a constructive opportunity to decompress. It was a very effective strategy.

One of my most difficult teacher – student situations came when a high school student started to cut her hair in front of all of us and waved the scissors at us as we approached. I took her on a walk to a calming pathway near the high school that was on the way to her home. I had disengaged from trying to get the scissors away from her. She voluntarily put them down at the mention of going home. Things calmed down enough that I was able to walk back to school with her, call her mother and have her picked up.

Conclusions

Everyday we are faced with the potential for conflict with our children regardless of how old they are. However, our focus should remain to respond directly, stay calm and remember our unbiased love and affection for them.

Wishing you support as you stay calm while managing conflict.

Karen Salzer

Strategies for Managing Conflict in Advance

This week I share some strategies for managing conflict in your interactions with your child. Use these positive strategies to prevent conflict in advance:

One Strategy for Managing Conflict at Home:

A behavioral rewards chart that lists behaviors which have previously led to conflict with a place to record positive behavior with a star, happy face, sticker or checkmark.

advertising-free-929946__340 When our children were young, bath-time, picking up toys, brushing teeth were chronic sources of conflict. I made up a chart listing 4 or 5 of these daily activities with a place for stars for successful completion. A certain agreed upon number of stars might mean a Happy Meal from MacDonald’s, a movie, special time with a parent or a play date.

One Strategy for Managing Conflicts at School:

In my classroom I had a weekly raffle of gift certificates or items donated by local merchants. I awarded tickets for task completion, packing up on time, or staying on task. I had a list of the behaviors that I was looking for posted in the classroom. Every Friday I would pick a random raffle ticket and give out a prize. On Monday, I would start over with an empty container for raffle tickets and a fresh start.

One General Strategy To Minimize Conflicts at Home:

egg-156574__340 Use an old fashioned egg timer, kitchen timer or phone timer to set how much time is allotted for a behavior such as completing homework, getting dressed for school, and picking up toys.

Remember that these are just tools for you to use whenever you can prevent a power struggle. Enjoy your child! Next week I will review strategies for managing conflict in the heat of the moment. Wishing you success in managing conflict one day at a time.

With love,

Karen

Managing Conflict between Parents and Children

To Manage Conflict Situations: child-785713_1920

Prevention
Staying Calm
Finding Long Term Solutions

This month my blogs will address all three aspects of managing conflict between parents and children. Let’s partner together to focus on the positives and your love for your children.

A very Young School Age Child may struggle with adults about issues such as bedtime, what to eat, cleaning up, getting dressed, bath-time, stopping an activity such as watching television. The list is as long as the list of daily activities.

For Special Needs children, such as those on the Spectrum, transitions are particularly difficult. Completing a classroom assignment, putting things away, getting ready to leave at the end of the day or at lunchtime are particularly difficult.

At home this can translate into resistance to a new food, wearing a new shirt, getting out the door to get to school, or getting in a car seat.

This week assess what areas of conflict between you and your child are derailing your relationship. Next week I will provide several strategies to prevent these difficult situations.

Karen